I came across this testimony and would like to share it with you. The pain and destruction of abortion is real and powerful but God’s grace and redeeming work is more powerful still!

“God is the Redeemer. He takes that broken woman that makes that choice and says – this isn’t going to be the end of you if you trust and believe me.”

I wrote this earlier this year. I waited on the Lord to post it. After watching a movie about healing from Abortion with my daughter – I felt led to post it. Perhaps it will change one life.

How I Became Pro LIFE

January 14, 2014 at 8:36am
Today, during our homeschool class my daughter turned to me and said, “good thing it is illegal to kill babies now.” We had just been studying the prophecies of the Messiah that are throughout the Old Testament. One of the prophecies was that there would be a massacre of children at Messiah’s birthplace:

Jeremiah 31:15 “Thus saith the LORD; A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, and bitter weeping; Rachel weeping for her children refused to be comforted for her children, because they were not.”

Matthew 2:16-18 “Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceedingly furious, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently inquired of the wise men. Then was fulfilled that which was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying, In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children, and would not be comforted, because they are not.”

When my daughter, Tabitha spoke those words, I paused. I said, “Honey, it IS legal to kill babies; it’s called abortion.” She stared at me, shocked and I saw recognition cross her face. My daughter is 14. We have talked about abortion. This was not our first time discussing it from a Christian standpoint nor a personal one. It was another learning moment where seeds of truth were being imparted to her. Herod’s Massacre. Murder. Abortion. Murder. Whether it was Herod, the Supreme Court, a President or her own mother issuing the decree – it is murder.

She knows she has 2 siblings in Heaven. I have shared that part of my testimony. She understands that I terminated my pregnancies through abortion. Last fall the Lord ministered for me to share this with her. She was really upset one day about something she had seen about abortion on the news and she got so angry that someone could kill a baby. The Lord prompted me to tell her not to direct her anger at the girl/woman that made that choice but to pray for her. I shared that many women fell for the lie that abortion was okay and acceptable. Then I told her my own story. I never imagined I would have such a conversation with my young teen daughter. It was one of the harder conversations I have ever had with her…yet it was also necessary! Further, it was very healing for me and I believe God used it to help her have more of God’s view not a narrow-minded view that was born out of lack of knowledge and anger.

Let me say – I am pro-life. I am pro-life. I am pro-LIFE. Pro-life for ALL life. I am pro for the baby living. I am pro for the mother living. I am not anti-life. The baby has every right to have an opportunity at life. And so does the mother.

Why would I say ProLife for the mother? With the mother I am talking about a God-ordained life. She needs to know that God wants her to live in spite of her faulty thinking and her decisions. I am not saying that as permission to sin – but merely as a point of reference. What happened to me, and I am sure millions of other mothers, is that once we made that choice to end the life of our baby part of our own life died on that table or in that bed. We made a decision thinking it would give us freedom and give us back our life. It NEVER does that! My decision nearly ruined my life – not once but twice. My choice changed the course of my entire adult life. When I aborted my baby it caused me to go into a deep depression. I flunked every class I had for 2 semesters because I moved into my apartment closet and refused to leave. I began to self-harm. I became quite unstable. Yet, if you asked me at the time, I would have boldly assured you, I had simply exercised my rights, because I was pro-choice. My body, my life, my choice….my…my…my

January 22, 1993 – the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Also the anniversary of my first abortion. 22 years old. college student. daughter of a pro-life mom. emotionally messed up. unsaved.

Do you see the last word? unsaved. Wouldn’t it be nice to wrap up that box and state, I did it because I didn’t know Jesus! But no, I can assure you I did it out of fear. I did it out of selfishness. I did it out of a fleshly desire to control my life.

Just as Herod murdered all of those babies because of the “my, my, my” worldview. I did the same. But, let me say – I am NOT equating everyone who terminated a pregnancy with Herod. I am equating me and my choice with Herod thinking.

April 2003 – over 10 years since the abortion. 32 years old. wife. mother. business owner. pro-life mom. not as emotionally messed up. saved.

I’d gotten saved when I was 27. I’d repented for the abortion. I’d gotten some counseling. I was married to a Christian man. I had 3 beautiful children. I was a wife and a mother. But – I was also on the run from past things. Add to that I’d already had a son the year before and as a result of our situation, it had been a very stressful pregnancy and birth. His birth certificate was a mess. I was once again at a crisis point. Enter another pregnancy. This time, I went and got counsel from a Christian friend. She knew part of our story – not all of it – and I thought I could get wise counsel. She knew about my first abortion. I shared about what transpired as a result of that decision. Surprisingly, she advised me that perhaps it would be in our best interest to terminate the pregnancy. Afterall – we were on the run. Further, she pointed out there were financial and legal issues at stake.

I was torn. Here was a mature Christian that had been active in ministry for many years counseling me that an abortion was NOT sin. I knew her fruit. I knew here walk. She rightly divided the Word to show herself approved – she’d taught me that scripture. Could she be wrong? Perhaps, I was incorrect in my understanding of the Word. But then again, I knew how emotionally damaging the choice to have an abortion at 22 had been. I knew God had ministered to me that it was a sin. As a result of my salvation and my past experience I had become pro-life. I was so double-minded. My flesh screamed one thing, my heart another. My husband was too distracted to pay much attention to my process of thinking. He had an opinion and he aired it. I was however, TORN!

But again came Herod thinking. What happened if…What about….How will we… fear. lack of control. fear. lack of control. “My, My, My…” So, I proceeded in what I thought was a cautious manner. I waited. I researched. I tried to pray. I just didn’t listen much and I certainly did not read my Bible. I needed to know my options as I was NOT going to lay on that table and have a life sucked out of me again. Then I heard: “Oh, they have a pill that will cause a miscarriage.” That sounded better – it gave me “grace” (a false one!) to equate it with a miscarriage! So – I set up the appointment to take those little pills. This time at home in bed – not on a cold table. But still – another death. And the moment that little life came forth out of me – I KNEW I had sinned. I knew I had taken another life.

Shortly thereafter, my husband came home. He walked in the room and asked why I wasn’t working and I was in bed. When I told him – he was furious. As I said – I had taken things into my OWN hands. He left and would not come home for a couple of weeks. Death came in our house that day. Death that was far-reaching. But it wasn’t as far reaching as it should have been or could have been. “But, GOD!”

But, God knew. He knew how I’d gotten to such a place. He knew how I had gotten there the first time. He saw it all. He didn’t OKAY it. He didn’t undo my actions but He also didn’t let me die in that place of sin. Even in that moment, I cried out to Him repenting over and over again. I was a literal mess as the enormity of my decision came down upon me. But this time as I said, God was so very gracious and He kept me. By His grace, I did NOT go into that deep despair as I had when I was 22. I did not try to take my life. While I stayed in my bedroom for a a couple of day and would go through waves of turmoil, I just prayed and repented some more. Then He began to minister to me. He rebuked me. He used my husband to rebuke me. As time went forward my husband forgave me. It wasn’t an immediate thing and it wasn’t easy. There was alot of blaming going on.

But God, He began to work in both of us from that Spring until the Fall. He started doing a lot of changing in our life. We began to grow closer to Him in ways that had been lacking. Also, I began growing in His Word. God broadened my relationships and put an amazing woman of God in my life to provide me with sound scriptural teaching and admonishment.

Then that fall – God went even deeper and began the process of healing ALL of our past – including the thing that caused us to walk away in the first place. (You can read about that here: Writing For The Lord – http://itineratelife.wordpress.com/2013/12/05/writing-for-the-lord/). Interesting side note – the date of our grand jury indictment was the same week that I had the abortion. The beginning of April 2003. God doesn’t do coincidences.

Out of the ashes of that abortion, God began to do a new thing. Out of the ashes of the running – God began a new thing. He changed our life radically. I should have been sentenced to Hell for taking not one but two lives. But He forgave me. He allowed me to get broken. He taught me in spite of what I had done. Then He began to teach me how I’d gotten there BOTH times and how to NEVER get to that point again! He began to teach me through His Word and by His Spirit. He began to disciple me in Bible Studies, with mighty women of God and at an amazing church.

He even set me down on a Saturday at a weekend conference for parents about families. A guest speaker spoke specifically about healing from abortions. God had me write letters to my children – all of them!

God doesn’t stack up sin from worst to least worst to inconsequential. Sin is sin! But, I did. I am sure a lot of other folks do as well. My daughter did. She was angered by the thought of a total stranger harming a baby. And she was even sadder when she heard my story. But I had to tell her because the anger that rose up in her about the topic of abortion was not birthed from a righteous anger. The anger was at the mothers. The anger wasn’t at the sin. The anger wasn’t at this fallen world or at satan. The anger was at the mother alone with no room for grace or forgiveness of any kind. There was no compassion only condemnation. There was no love of the Father only indignation and fury. God wants Tabitha, me and you to see sin and know it is wrong. He wants each of us to recognize what is of God and what is not. But God does not want any of us walking around being angry and sinning. He wants each of us to walk in love. He wants us to honor Him and His commandments. He wants us to walk in Truth but under the banner of LOVE. And ONLY HE can teach us how to do that!

I will never forget what God did as I prepared to go through with the choice to have the first abortion. Looking back I see His hand and how gracious He was! He tried to block me from ever getting there. I had to drive from Kirksville MO to Overland Park KS in an ice storm. The roads were sheets of ice. A drive that should have taken less than 3 hours took almost 7. On the way, we got a flat tire. We had to stop over and over even spending 3 additional hours waiting for the sheets of sleet to stop. Then, the next day, on the Anniversary of Roe v. Wade, on the sidewalk outside the clinic – God had warriors. No one screamed and yelled at me that I was murdering a life they just tried to talk to me – to stop me with love. A nice woman handed me a pamphlet and asked me if she could pray for me. I told her no and walked on. Then another did the same. I put my head down and walked on. I know that I know those women prayed for me and every other women that walked through those doors, even though most of us never heard what they prayed. I saw love and compassion on faces and NOT condemnation. When I went into the clinic – the nurse told me that I would have to have an ultrasound. That was their practice. It was a Planned Parenthood. They had to prove I was still pregnant. She told me she would have to do a vaginal ultrasound. (Side Note: Since then, I have had 4 healthy babies and only once did I have a vaginal ultrasound and that was with my last pregnancy when I was high risk. Not even with the second abortion did they do a vaginal ultrasound). As the nurse did the ultrasound she pointed out all the features of my baby. Then she asked me, “Are you sure you want to do this.” Again – God! I started to cry. But Herod reminded me of everything at stake and I assured her I wanted to go forward. I was numb. I was cold. Even though I went through with it – God was there trying to get me to STOP and listen and turn.

He did the same thing with the second pregnancy I terminated. Roadblock. Alternatives. I just wouldn’t listen.

My first baby in Heaven will be 21 this year. My second baby in Heaven will be 11 years old this year.

If you’d told me when I was a teenager, that someday I would have had an abortion – I would never have believed you. If you told me it was because I was unsaved and didn’t know any better I might have thought it was possible. But if you had warned me that I would have done the same thing again as a born again believer in Jesus Christ I would have argued with you strongly. Yet – I did. Both times.

When we come at a person that has sinned – whether it is sexual sin, drugs, abortion, illegal activity or gossip – we have to come full of His truth but also HIS love. And we have to be prepared that they just might not listen. But we have to go and speak to them anyway. We are ambassadors of Christ and His Truth. We have to be His vessel ministering as He leads.

I have to tell you that since all that has happened, God has given me several opportunities to learn HOW to be His Ambassador and speak TRUTH in LOVE. He has allowed me to be the other person on the other side of sin. I have been the woman on the street asking a young woman on the verge of an abortion if I could pray for her and talk to her. I wasn’t in front of an abortion clinic but sitting in a halfway house watching a girl struggle between going back to prison because she broke the rules and got pregnant IN the halfway house or terminating her pregnancy and being able to go home without anyone ever knowing she had broken the rules. I have been the Christian woman counseling another when they fell into sexual sin. While they didn’t get pregnant they did make some serious life altering choices. I had an opportunity to talk to them about God’s truth and His ways (I didn’t handle that one too well the first time it came around – but God has since graciously let me practice that one several more times!). He also let me be the Christian friend that someone came to and confided that she was pregnant. Her life was just as much a mess as mine was at the time I went through my situations – God ministered to me gently. So I ministered to her gently. I didn’t counsel her to get an abortion – I instead took her to a Christian pregnancy crisis center to get her Godly counsel and support!

Further, God also gave me the pleasure of getting pregnant again. It was not planned. Our life was not perfect. One could say it was slightly messy. I had SEVERAL people admonish me that I was too old to have another baby! I did hit my knees when I found out and asked the Lord – WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? We did not have insurance for the pregnancy but God provided in God-sized ways. I never once thought about terminating the pregnancy. I spent a lot of time praying and God did a lot more healing in me regarding my abortions. He gave us a beautiful baby! He went over full term and was a BIG, BABY BOY! He is a joy and a blessing. We named him Zechariah – Jehovah Remembers.

God is training me to be aware that Herod comes to all of us wanting to massacre our hope of a future. He comes lying to us. Filling us with fear. But God, He has a BIGGER plan. He wants us to trust Him. Unplanned pregnancy – TRUST HIM! Post-Abortion – TRUST HIM! Falling apart life because of your sin – TRUST HIM!

He wants us to choose LIFE. He wants life for our unborn, unplanned baby. He wants life for each of us – both male and female. He wants life for each of us – no matter what we have done or thought or believed. But if someone falls for Herod’s lies/Satan’s plots – God is still sovereign. He is still calling us. We might have to walk through some difficult things but God WILL always take what satan/herod meant for evil and will use it for good if we let Him. No loss of life is ever good. No baby being aborted is EVER good. But God is the Redeemer. He takes that broken woman that makes that choice and says – this isn’t going to be the end of you if you trust and believe me.

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

God gave me freedom in more ways than I ever imagined or ever deserved. He gave me the freedom to Live.

ProLife. ProJesus. ProFreedom. I am PROCHOICE – The CHOICE TO CHOOSE LIFE for the MOTHER and the BABY! ETERNAL LIFE!

So as the rallies begin all across this nation for or against abortion – may we just do one thing in one accord – may we pray!

Father, In the Name of Jesus Christ, we pray for all those affected by abortion – past, present and future. We pray Lord for all those that are coming out to take a stand on this matter. Father, may they all come to know YOU. May they all have a personal encounter with the Living God. I pray for the mothers, the babies, the people outside the clinics and all of the people in them. I pray that they ALLOW YOU TO REDEEM them and their situations. Father I pray for the befores, the durings and the afters. I pray for comfort. I pray against the spirit of death, against the false spirits that whisper escape plans and lies, I pray against the herods that plot massacre. I pray for You, LIVING GOD, to wash over them with your Blood which is powerful. I pray Your WORD in John 10:10, “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and life more abundantly.” May each of them have life, In Jesus’ Name. Amen!

Orginially posted on itineratelife.wordpress.com